Pressures Of The Season

This Christmas has to be an amazing one, I can’t let it be anything like last years.

Last year I woke up Christmas morning in the hospital after already being inpatient for 30 days. I was only able to go home for three hours that day. I wasn’t able to run into my parents bedroom and sit on there bed in open my stocking, I wasn’t able to open presents with my parents, I only was up to opening my stocking Christmas day, I hadn’t been able to put up or help decorate the tree, I didn’t do any holiday baking or cooking with my mother. I didn’t watch Polar Express with my mother like we did on Christmas eve normally. I never got to really listen to Christmas music.

I still look on last years Christmas as if I ruined it for everyone, and honestly I don’t think that thought is going to change; that is why i’m trying to make this Christmas so much better, I mean obviously this Christmas will be better, I have my beautiful daughter Lily, and i’m finally able to spend a Christmas with my love, Michael since I was unable to last year. But to me I need to make this Christmas perfect, and that’s why I feel pressured, even though I’m putting this pressure on myself.

I was unable to even get gifts for my family last year, and ended up making my gifts for people in my art therapy class, as much as I don’t fully believe presents mean everything, I want to show my family how much appreciation I have for them, and how much I do listen and do care.

Michael hasn’t fully celebrated Christmas for many years and I want to make sure that he feels the true spirit of Christmas, the joy it brings, the way it brings family together, the beautiful snow falling, the funny and positive Christmas movies, the great moments of drinking hot cocoa and spending a night hanging ornaments on the tree, and the moment of waking up Christmas morning and opening a gift that someone that truly loves you spent months perfecting.

It’s Lily’s first Christmas, I don’t want to mess this up, I’m terrified that i’m going to not doing something, miss out on a good idea for a photo or a tradition to start, and i’m going to realize it months later and it will be to late, and it will no longer be Lily’s first Christmas and the moment was lost.

Of course all this pressure isn’t part of the season, it’s about positivity, new life, love, and relaxing. I have to remind myself I really need to take a step back and realize that no matter what my family will love me, my family will understand. Things don’t always have to be perfect, and honestly, having last years Christmas to compare to, I can notice all the little positives even more.

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