One year ago today, at 11:30 pm was my last self injurious cut. I remember the time, I remember were I was when I did the cut,and in time I will be able to forget those details because I will eventually forget my last cut, I’ve already forgotten where that last cut was on my arm, I already have forgotten why I did the cut, and one day I won’t remember anything about it other then the day, so that I am able to celebrate.
I’ve struggled this past year, I will not lie and say it’s been “peachy” I struggled while I was pregnant, and thats when I would tell myself I can not cut, I can not take that blood away from my child, and what if I did cut and my cut would get infected? I would be putting my child at risk. Or what if I shared with my daughter the last time I cut and she realized it was while I was pregnant, what would her reaction be!? Once my daughter was born, I still struggled, having a fussy newborn, lack of sleep and other issues coming up around the same time caused me issues also, but I kept telling myself I’m so close to that one year, this whole year would be a waste if I let it all go just a month before my one year, and so I didn’t cut.
My emotions have become overwhelming due to no self harming, I used my self harm to push down my anger, I never let myself get angry, I felt like I didn’t deserve to complain or be angry because I didn’t have any worth, on top of those reasons I felt getting angry made me a bad person, so if I had any hint of anger, I would take out the blade and punish myself for being angry, or just take out my anger on myself instead of on others. What this did though was not allow me to learn how to deal with anger, so when I stopped cutting I had to learn how to accept being angry and not feeling like a bad person, and learn how to deal with my anger without blowing up at people. I’m still having issues honestly, I still have issues not keeping my anger in until it boils over because I don’t feel like I deserve to be angry (even if it’s a reasonable reason like having to do a chore someone else was suppose to do three days before) and I have a problem with not getting to angry at once.
Through all of this though I have stayed true to recovery, I needed this year, I needed to stop harming, i’d been doing it for far to long, and I had used it as a crutch, I never let myself deal with my issues I took the quick fix, that really didn’t fix anything.
I can honestly say I owe this year free to my daughter, without her I would not have been able to stay strong, wouldn’t have been able to see many positives in life, but since shes come into my life I see positives in so many things, her beautiful smile, her trying to talk, every little thing she does makes me a proud mother.